Happy New Year From Occupy Portland! We Are Miserbable!



Sorry, if you hope we are done. We are here in our southeast Portland playhouse and we have big plans for 2012! Our tantrum continues because we are miserable and it is our pleasure to act out until you are miserable too!

People that wonder what motivates us, those that can't see what makes us 'tick' clearly haven't watched us very closely. Next time we are around and you are fortunate to see us take note: EVERYTHING WE DO IS A MANIFESTATION OF OUR SHARED MISERY! From politics to food, from the school system to the United States Postal Service, from our filthy camps to our misunderstanding of history EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT US IS A BIZARRE CELEBRATION OF OUR COLLECTIVE MISERY!

WE ARE ANARCHISTS! WE HOLD THAT THE UNITED STATES IS UNECESSARY. WE HOLD THAT THE LAWS DON'T APPLY TO US, YOUR LIVES ARE UNIMPORTANT COMPARED TO OURS AND YOUR WAYS OF DOING THINGS/ANY THING IS OUTDATED AND WRONG.

Yet people that mean well continue to fool themselves and think their ordinary concerns have something to do with us! YOU FOOLS! YOU ARE THE SHEEP or as we call you THE SHEEPLE.

Even when we dance and appear to know some sort of joy we must first become as intoxicated as possible BECAUSE TO US THERE IS NO REAL, HONEST JOY - LIKE SMALL CHILDREN LOST IN TANTRUM THAT NEVER ENDS THE ONLY REALITY WE KNOW IS MISERY.

Pretty cool, huh!?

We can't and won't offer any solutions, because we can't see beyond our NIHILISTIC VIEWS to begin to imagine any problem ever being solved. Yet, people see in us a path to solutions! HOW REALLY REALLY CRAZY IS THAT? Folks with mortgage problems think we will help them out. Union members afraid of the future think joining us will make them more secure. College graduates with student loan problems consider an alliance with us a way to get their debts forgiven. AND ON AND ON AND ON! GUESS WHAT SUCKERS? WE CAN'T HELP ANY OF YOU!

However, like A WORN AND FETID SPONGE WE EXIST TO SUCK YOU IN, to absorb you in our maze of moronic misery. JOIN US! Nothing will be done to really help you, but join us anyway! If anything at all was accomplished by us in 2011 it was our success in fooling so many people into thinking we are a movement they should support! EVEN THOUGH WE DESPISE THEM, DESPISE THEIR CONCEPTS OF FAMILY, PERSONAL AND PRIVATE PROPERTY, AND MORE they gave us money, support, food and the empty parts of their hearts AND WE DID NOTHING FOR THEM AT ALL! In 2012 we will continue to welcome all suckers just as we did in 2011.

HAPPY NEW YEAR MORONS!

Occupy Portland Elite Hijacking Movement?

Does Jim 'Big Chief'
Oliver have some
explaining to do?

Tonight's OCCUPY PORTLAND SPOKES COUNCIL MEETING was a trip, man! There was a lotta tension before the meeting even began! People were SAYING SOME PRETTY BOGUS THINGS about the OCCUPY PORTLAND ELITE MANAGER GROUP before everyone sat down but mostly they were whispering to each other cause THEY DON'T WANT TO MAKE THE ELITE MAD!

About one hour into the meeting PEOPLE IN THE MEETING STARTING SAYING WHAT WAS ON THEIR MINDS and you could tell that the facilitator Jim 'Big Chief' Oliver was gettin kinda irritated cause he started doing that thing where his voice gets shrill and he POINTS AT PEOPLE LIKE HE IS PUTTING SOME ANCIENT SPELL ON THEM! What were people sayin? THEY WERE SAYIN THAT MAYBE THE ELITE JUST KEEP MAKIN THEM DO STUFF AND CHANGE STUFF AND BEING REALLY BOSSY BOSSES! Then some dude got really brave and he said right at Jim Oliver "YOU FACILITATORS ARE HIJACKING THE MOVEMENT!"

Jim 'Big Chief' Oliver
at the precise second
when people figure out
they are getting used!

WOW! IT WAS LIKE SOME CRAZY SCENE FROM A MYSTERY MOVIE like near the end where ALL OF A SUDDEN all the pieces come together AND YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IS GOING ON! SWEET! Collin 'strawberry shortcake' Peters from media started laughing REAL LOUD cause I think IT REALLY HIT HIM AT THAT VERY MOMENT! Other people started saying stuff like YOU ELITE LEADERS MAKE US DO BAD THINGS and ALL THE ELITE LEADERS ARE LOSERS and THE ELITE ALWAYS GETS THEIR WAY and all sorts of stuff like that. 'BIG CHIEF' WAS GETTIN REALLY NERVOUS YOU COULD TELL! Then he wanted some sort of vote or someething and nobody wanted to vote on diddly! The he said 'NOBODY IS HIJACKING ANYTHING THAT I KNOW OF' but he made A HUGE MISTAKE cause everybody could see he had that SMARTYPANTS GRIN he gets when HE IS JUST BEING A LIAR! LIKE THE ONE WHEN HE WAS ON TV WITH MAYOR SAM ADAMS!

Collin 'strawberry shortcake' Miller

Personally, I like to do what the OCCUPY PORTLAND ELITE MANAGER GROUP tells me to do cause IT IS MUCH EASIER THAN THINKING! But I guess others in OCCUPY PORTLAND don't feel the same! PEOPLE KEPT BRINGING UP ALL SORTS OF CONTROVERSIAL STUFF LIKE the elite managers never get arrested, the elite managers always seem to have a lot of money, the elite managers CAN BE REALLY BOSSY AND RUDE AND ACT LIKE THEY ARE 'ALL THAT' ETC. ETC. Then one of the loyal OCCUPY PORTLAND ALKY STREET PEOPLE got up to talk. THE ROOM GOT REAL SILENT CAUSE OF THE NEW RULE THAT THE ALKYS CAN'T COME TO INDOOR MEETINGS ANYMORE AND THEY WERE SURPRISED HE WAS THERE. He looked around the room then said "WHEN THIS BEGAN YOU TOLD US YOU WERE OUR NEW FAMILY AND THAT YOU LOVED US AND YOU WOULD ALWAYS BE THERE FOR US. NOW, YOU TELL US TO SHUT UP AND LIVE UNDER THE BRIDGE. I THINK YOU ELITES ARE WORSE THAN LYING PIGS!"

'Big Chief' looked really really REALLY STUNNED! I think he was gonna answer the alky. LIKE I WAS HOPING HE WOULD JUST SAY SOMETHING SUPER COOL AND MAKE IT ALL BETTER AGAIN! ANYWAY that alky wasn't even supposed to be ALLOWED IN THE MEETING! But 'big chief' didn't say anything. INSTEAD, HE SAT DOWN AND PUT HIS HEAD BETWEEN HIS KNEES like he was gonna puke or something. THEN, PEOPLE JUST STARTED TALKING TO EACH OTHER CAUSE THE MEETING WAS PRETTY MUCH OVER.

I heard some of what people were sayin. SOME DUDE WAS TALKING TO A CHICK AND HE SAID "THAT ALKY IS RIGHT! WE DID TELL THE HOMELESS LIES JUST LIKE HE SAID!". Then I heard some fat chick talking on her cell and saying "COME TO THINK OF IT WE HAVEN'T ACCOMPLISHED DIDDLY FROM DAY ONE". Then even ANTONIO GOT GOING and said he WANTS THE UN TO INVESTIGATE THE ELITE OCCUPY PORTLAND MANAGERS! You know, negative stuff like that AND SAYING STUFF LIKE THAT IS SO WRONG because it will UPSET THE VIBE IN OUR SACRED SPACE! Like I was hoping somebody would whip out some sacred sage and PURIFY THE MEETING ROOM CAUSE IT WAS REALLY FEELING BOGUS IN THERE.

People just wandered off after that. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO A REALLY IMPORTANT HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL GAME and your team loses when you JUST KNEW THEY WOULD WIN then the crowd is leaving and EVERYBODY LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY JUST TOOK A DUMP ON THEIR HEADs or maybe like THEY JUST FOUND OUT THEIR MOM WAS SLEEPING WITH THE POSTMAN and THE FEELING IS SO BOGUS AND BAD? Yeah that is what it was like after the meeting.

But, for me I am in this revolution FOREVER MAN! So, I am not gonna let any of this NEGATIVITY change me at all! I mean, WHEN THE OCCUPY PORTLAND LEADERS SAY JUMP I am gonna be the first to say "HOW HIGH?" and anyways EVEN IF WE HAVEN'T ACCOMPLISHED DIDDLY AND MADE A MESS AND JUST ACTED LIKE FOOLS SO WHAT! Then I was thinking that alky was probably JUST SOME FAT CAT IN AN ALKY COSTUME! And the FAT CATS AND THE MAN are just up to their tricks again! YEAH!

BIG Occupy Portland Meeting Tonight For Planning

WOO HOO! The meeting began Troy (right) picking his nose

Tonight's OCCUPY PORTLAND SPECIAL DELUXE PLANNING MEETING was held at our SWEET NEW PLAYHOUSE in southeast Portland. People gathered together in our sacred space to talk about plans for 2012. We were going to make it a SACRED FEATHER meeting but GUESS WHAT NOBODY COULD FIND THE SACRED FEATHER! BOGUS. So, we just talked and kinda interrupted each other alot BUT OH WELL IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL!

First on the agenda was a proposal for better peace and safety at meetings and actions in 2012. It was decided that we will REALLY FOR REAL utilize our SHANTI SETA concept to the max everytime we get together. So, like if there is a meeting and SOMEBODY LOSES CONTROL AND STARTS DROPPING F-BOMBS from now on a Shanti Seta dude will SURROUND THE PERSON WITH THE SACRED LOVE THING to calm them down! IF THAT DOESN'T WORK the guy on the right suggested that a bunch of us should surround the F-BOMB DROPPER and chant things like 'I know you are but what am I' and 'take a chill pill!'. WOW! THAT WILL WORK I AM SURE! And if someone is not truthful we will chant 'liar liar pants on fire'! If the methods don't work then we will JUST CALL THEIR PARENTS AND TELL THEM TO PICK THEM UP AND TAKE THEM HOME TO THEIR BASEMENT APARTMENT!

Next planning topic was offered by Antonio, pictured on the left. HIS BRILLIANT IDEA IS A HUGE CONVENTION WITH REPRESENTATIVES FROM ALL THE OCCUPIES IN THE SOLAR SYSTEM! He has contacts with both Venus and Neptune, and says that the OCCUPIES THERE ARE AWESOME! Some chick said she was in touch with LIFEFORMS FROM MERCURY AND THEY ARE SO SPIRITUAL! They might come too! Then, another chick said that we should reach out beyond our own solar system, WAY OUT INTO SPACE THE FINAL FRONTIER JUST LIKE IN STAR TREK! She shared that she has voices from THE SACRED INTERSTELLAR PLANE going off in her head almost 24x7 and she could get HUGE SPACESHIPS OF NEW OCCUPIERS FROM ALL OVER TO COME IF WE HAVE A CONFERENCE! AWESOME!

Some dude pictured on the right brought up the same, lame topic he always brings up, OCCUPY PORTLAND STARTING A NON PROFIT IN 2012. As usual we pretended to listen to him! He had heard that there was some group already working on the concept but NOBODY WILL INVITE HIM TO THE MEETINGS! ha ha ha Nobody wants him at those meetings! I MEAN we can't be a non profit, but we keep letting him think we want to be one! ha ha ha ANYWAY we played him as usual and promised to get back to him soon with THE NON PROFIT ORGANIZATION PLANS! After he left we all had yet another laugh at his ideas! ha ha ha I MEAN FORMING A NON PROFIT WOULD MEAN HAVING A CORPORATION! Guess what? WE HATE FREAKIN CORPORATIONS! Also, that would mean a board of directors and all that crap and people PUTTING THEIR REAL NAMES IN A NON PROFIT FILING! MAN, I DON'T THINK SO! But it is fun to play him because HE IS JUST MR. SERIOUS!

There is another MR SERIOUS that comes to meetings and DANG HE SHOWED UP TONIGHT! That is his picture on the left. HE GAVE EVERYBODY HIS TAKE ON THINGS yawn yawn AND I can't remember anything he said BECAUSE HE IS SO BORING! I think it was something like there is a growing something maybe about people either supporting us or not supporting us OR WHATEVER! LIKE HE ALWAYS FEELS SOME SPECIAL VIBE AND HAS TO TELL US ALL ABOUT IT IN LONG BORING SENTENCES! Anyway, after he was done IT WAS BREAK TIME 420 TIME OUTSIDE!

WHEN WE GOT BACK A LADY WITH BIG BUNS SAID WE NEEDED TO PLAN TO MAKE OCCUPY PORTLAND MORE DIVERSE cause sometimes like tonight we are SO WHITE YOU COULD MISTAKE US FOR A kkk meeting! Her idea is for us to go door to door and if somebody ANSWERS THE DOOR AND THEY AREN'T WHITE we sign them up! AWESOME! Then when we got them all signed up we would offer them a ride to our next meeting! Then somebody said that there isn't actually a form or anything like that for people to sign! THEN THE LADY got kinda angry and said 'everytime I have an idea in a meeting people just nit pick!' then she was even madder and said 'YOU PEOPLE NEVER TAKE CARE OF MY NEEDS AS A PERSON!'. Then she left like really fast!

After the lady with big buns left there was one final proposal offered. Some dude pictured on the left said that when we have our BIG FREAKIN ACTIONS AND PROTESTS we should all wear ELABORATE CHICKEN COSTUMES LIKE SOME COLLEGE MIGHT USE FOR A MASCOT. He said that if we did that THE 99 PERCENT WOULD FLOCK TO US cause they all LOVE CHICKENS! Then the chick that KNOWS THE LIFEFORMS FROM MERCURY spoke up and told us that ON MERCURY THEY WORSHIP CHICKENS LIKE GODS! AWESOME! So we decided that we would get the chicken costumes now but only use them when we have our HUGE MEETING WITH BEINGS FROM OUTER SPACE. It was kinda a compromise that way BECAUSE WE WANT EVERYBODY TO BE HAPPY! Antonio was SUPER HAPPY WITH THE COMPROMISE and that was good cause he is so edgy that everybody is scared by him when HE IS UNHAPPY!

THEN IT WAS TIME TO APPLAUD OURSELVES FOR A REALLY AWESOME MEETING AND LEAVE! If the person that stole the sacred feather is reading this DUDE PLEASE BRING IT BACK SOON! OUR SACRED SPACE FEELS SO VIOLATED!

Occupy Portland All About Foreclosures And Private Property

My head is SO BIG!

EVERYBODY wants to know about A REALLY COOL TOPIC like this one: WHAT IS OCCUPY PORTLAND THINKING ABOUT FORECLOSURES AND PRIVATE PROPERTY?

It is just like you can read on our BIG EPIC WEBSITE we want to create the conditions for a new relation with the land, a foundation from which to decolonize all our lives. AWESOME! You probably didn't know you even lived in a freakin colony! THEN YOU ADD IN HOW WE HATE BANKS AND MONEY and then you got our plan: FREE HOUSES FOR EVERYONE!

We support community control of land and housing cause that sounds so cool! So, NOBODY WILL BE ABLE TO OWN ANYTHING WHEN WE TAKE OVER! AWESOME! Instead where you live will be OWNED BY OUR HUGE COMMUNITY AND PEOPLE WILL BE FREE AND AWESOME! This will mean you will have many new friends cause ANY FREAK THAT WANTS TO MOVE IN WITH YOU WILL!

Right now we are telling people that is they see a house they like, just go squat there! ONLY WE DON'T USE THE TERM SQUAT hahahaaha WE LIKE TO SAY REOCCUPY! Right now probably just go for empty houses cause if somebody is already there THE WHOLE TRIP COULD BECOME VERY BOGUS! But, if a house is empty GO FOR IT! YOU HAVE OUR PERMISSION!

The brains behind REOCCUPY

Many people GOT FOOLED BY THE MAN and bought houses and WOW THEY MIGHT HAVE NOT HAD THE MONEY FOR PAYMENTS! MAYBE THE FAT CAT BANKERS MADE PEOPLE LIE ON LOAN APPLICATIONS! But now it is cool to JUST STAY THERE AND DON'T EVEN MAKE PAYMENTS! You know, like the OCCUPY PORTLAND ELITE MANAGER GROUP SAYS all property around here was STOLEN FROM SOMEBODY by fat cats so IT IS REALLY OK IF YOU JUST TAKE WHAT YOU WANT! DON'T MAKE PAYMENTS! AND PARTY!

Money is so NOT COOL! HOUSE PAYMENTS ARE SO REALLY NOT COOL! Contracts don't mean diddly. SIGNED AGREEMENTS ARE FOR LOSERS! It would be so cool to change this colony into a paradise FOR THE PEOPLE! Right now everybody knows it is JUST LIKE A PRISON COLONY! A POLICE STATE!

A really clever idea that you can try is OCCUPY A REALLY NICE HOUSE when fat cats go on vacation! Like, you know how the MAN likes to go on trips TO PLACES WHERE FAT CATS LIKE TO BE so watch their house and WHEN IT LOOKS EMPTY MOVE IN! Maybe you will luck out and they have some REALLY COOL GRUB IN THE FREEZER! When they get back home HUG THEM AND WELCOME THEM! Guess what? YOU ARE THEIR NEW FAMILY!

If it has a big yard INVITE ALL THE OCCUPY WINOS TO CAMP OUT! DIG FIRE PITS, MAKE A SACRED CIRCLE OUT OF STUFF, GET DOWN AND PARTAY!

In 2012 let's make this THE END OF THE PORTLAND COLONY!

Occupy Portland Nathan Has A Moment Of Clarity

Nathan!

You all know our NATHAN FROM OCCUPY PORTLAND! Sometimes going by his nick 'the beard' NATHAN IS ONE OF OUR MEDIA WARRIORS! He and Collin are like two sweet peas in a pod, getting the news ON LIVESTREAM AND LIVING LIFE LARGE! The best times are when GRUMPY SAM is not with them! THEN THEY CAN PLAY AND PARTAY AND GO FOR IT!

But, Nathan isn't just about GOOD TIMES MAN, he also has a moment of clarity at least once a week. We were lucky to catch up with him DURING ONE OF THOSE RARE MOMENTS WHEN THIS COSMIC NINJA IS BETWEEN BOWLS AND GETTING DOWN WITH THE WORD THING! Here is a little from our sit down session!

ME: Nathan, since you moved up to Portland from California you have emerged as a MEDIA SUPERSTAR! Did you imagine how good it would be for you when you moved back to Oregon?

THE BEARD: Man, I thought it would be awesome in Oregon, that is so for sure! Cali was kinda opressive and PEOPLE THERE JUST GET INTO YOUR FACE ALL THE TIME! In Oregon things are so MELLOW AND FREE. But I never knew that this media gig would come to me like it has.

ME: What is is like working with Collin, Sam, Jayne and ALL THE MEDIA HIPSTERS?

THE BEARD: Well, you know Sam is Mr. Grumpy most of the time! Like, I think he should just find a way to chill but you know he is so RELENTLESS and SUCH A BEAUTIFULWARRIOR! Jayne is cool, but she reports everything back to Sam so BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU SAY WHEN JAYNE IS AROUND ha ha ha ha. COLLIN IS JUST LIKE YOU WOULD IMAGINE, LIKE A PIXIE SENT FROM THE GREAT SPIRIT TO BE MY INSPIRATION! I mean he is like what would happen if a Leprechan and that chick from the matrix had a kid, kinda all short and magical but SOMETIMES REALLY INTO ANOTHER COSMIC SACRED SPACE.

ME: You and Collin sat down and interviewed MAYOR SAM ADAMS recently and broadcast it on livestream. What was that like?

THE BEARD: It was so cool how we punked Mayor Sam! He is all into thinking he is like in agreement with the movement but HE THINKS OUR METHODS ARE BOGUS. So we pretended to respect him and did that interview. HA HA HA. Right after the interview the OCCUPY PORTLAND ONLINE NEWSPAPER gave it to him good! I MEAN THEY BLASTED HIM AND ALL AND EVEN USED HIS SEXUAL PREFERENCES AGAINST HIM! So, you know WE PUNKED THAT SUCKER!

ME: You and your livestream crew are so gifted and creative! WHO CAME UP WITH THE WHOLE LIVESTREAM TRIP?

THE BEARD: It is like everything else OCCUPY PORTLAND DOES, THE ELITE MANAGER GROUP TELLS US WE HAVE TO DO IT! But that is cool, man. I mean, they have the plan and they run the show! WE ARE JUST LIKE CRAZY COSMIC SHEEP but we are so into that!

ME: Are there any changes coming to OCCUPY PORTLAND FOR 2012?

THE BEARD: Yeah a manager dude was telling me the other day we have a new slogan: NEVER EXPLAIN, ALWAYS COMPLAIN, AND NEVER ADMIT BLAME!

ME: Can you tell me, what is the essence of that slogan?

THE BEARD: OH WOW! ESSENCE! That is so spiritual a word, the awesomeness of that word. ESSENCE ESSENCE ESSENCE! I mean, it is like if you took MAYBE LIKE TEN PEOPLE FROM OCCUPY PORTLAND AND SQUEEZED THEM ALL AT ONCE THEN YOU WOULD HAVE A PUDDLE OR SOMETHING. LIKE THAT WOULD BE SOME ESSENCE!

ME: What a concept! It would be like a sacred juice!

THE BEARD: RIGHT ON! Oh, wow the  new slogan has like three parts. Like never explain. This is like OUR MANAGERS SAY DON'T EVER EXPLAIN ANYTHING YOU DO BECAUSE THE MAN WILL FIND OUT! So, yeah, we got to be tricky. ALWAYS COMPLAIN is like ALWAYS COMPLAIN! Like when we have a march or WHATEVER we ALWAYS COMPLAIN! We don't like march or rally to offer a solution, but YEAH WE CAN COMPLAIN REALLY GOOD! Never admit blame, that is a new part WE WERE TOLD TO REMEMBER. You know maybe sometimes we are doing stuff and something bad happens. SO WHO CARES BECAUSE IF ANYONE BLAMES US, WE JUST SAY OH SOMEBODY ELSE DID IT! Or like before the SHUT DOWN THE PORT thing some OCCUPY PORTLAND DUDES were driving to RALLY and they GOT BUSTED BY THE MAN! Like they had a stolen truck, weapons, WHATEVER. BUT HERE IS THE COOL PART WHEN WE FOUND OUT THEY GOT BUSTED WE DIDN'T GET BLAMED BECAUSE WE PRETENDED WE DIDN'T KNOW THEM!

ME: AWESOME MAN!

THE BEARD: RIGHT ON! I am sure there will be alot of stuff going down in 2012 but WE WILL NEVER ACCEPT BLAME FOR ANY OF IT! Everything is 'official' until it gets bad, the OH WELL ITS NOT SO OFFICIAL AFTER THAT! So, you know that is the last part of the slogan, NEVER ADMIT BLAME! WOW think about this, WE ARE A PEACEFUL PROTEST so if it ever gets NOT SO PEACEFUL we just blame someone else. HA HA HA HA

ME: It seems to me that you and your crew have been very lucky, you never have been arrested AT ANY OCCUPY PORTLAND THING WHERE ARRESTS HAVE BEEN MADE!

THE BEARD: Man, that is not luck! IT'S LIKE WE CAN RUN AWAY WHEN WE WANT! Like at an action Sam is really good at yelling out instructions to people, and sometimes those people get arrested! SO WHEN THEY ARE GETTING ARRESTED WE RUN LIKE HELL!

ME: That is so cool, I mean you are too important to get arrested dude.

THE BEARD: THAT IS SO TRUE! I personally am LIKE WAY TOO IMPORTANT TO GET ARRESTED! THAT WOULD BE SO BOGUS. The revolution is SO IMPORTANT MAN IT IS SO EPIC but whatever I'M NOT GETTING ARRESTED FOR SOME REVOLUTION!

Occupy Portland Christmas List Part Two

PART ONE WAS ALL ABOUT SOME SPECIFIC OCCUPIERS. HERE ARE SUGGESTIONS THAT WILL WORK FOR ALL!

It is not too late TO FIND THAT PERFECT GIFT for the OCCUPANT IN YOUR LIFE! Many people have an occupier that they need to shop for, so here are some suggestions for those of you THAT HAVE JUST BEEN PUTTING THINGS OFF! The elite manager group of OCCUPY PORTLAND HAS MADE A LITTLE LIST, AND CHECKED IT TWICE! Has your occupier been naughty or nice?

SUGGESTIONS FOR THE MOMS: I know, I know, you already do so much! Make their car payments, cell phone payments, tuition payments, weed payments, all that! AND YOU MAKE SURE THEIR BASEMENT 'APARTMENT' IS ALL COZY AND BRIGHT! What to get them? You could leave a little extra money in your purse, then leave your purse laying around the house! Maybe two or three twenty dollar bills in easy reach! THEN WHEN THEY MAKE A 'LOAN' THEY WILL BE EXTRA HAPPY! Or, for the holiday STOP HIDING YOUR STASH SO WELL! Make sure your stash is in a place easy to find!

SUGGESTIONS FOR THE DADS: There you are so full of pride over your OCCU-KID! All the hard work they have done this year STAGING A REVOLUTION FOR THE PEOPLE!  So, you have given your support and love but MAYBE SOMETHING SPECIAL IS NEEDED NOW! You know what I am getting at! THERE IS YOUR BROTHER, UNCLE TO THE OCCUPIER, AND HE IS SUCH A PAIN! Everytime he comes over to visit he goes down to the basement AND STARTS A FIGHT WITH THE KID! So, as a special gift this year GIVE HIM MONEY TO STAY AWAY, AT LEAST UNTIL MID-JANUARY! And,what to give your OCCU-DAUGHTER? For once, try to be JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE TOLERANT OF HER LOSER BOYFRIEND! Like, the next time he passes out MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE THE ONE TO GIVE HIM MOUTH TO MOUTH!

SUGGESTIONS FOR THE GRANDPARENTS: Having a drug addicted, stupid, unrealistic whiner of a grandchild is not as bad as it seems! YOU HAVE THE UNIQUE OPPORTUNITY THIS CHRISTMAS TO GIVE THEM THE SPECIAL GIFT OF A BLANK CHECK! Just sign the check and leave the amount empty. Look, you know they despise you already! SO DON'T START TALKING TO THEM ABOUT YOUR LOVE OF RON PAUL or some tea party crappola! JUST GIVE THEM THE BLANK CHECK!

SUGGESTIONS FOR THE PARENT'S OF THE GIRL WHO IS DATING THE OCCUPIER DUDE: We know how bad it got this Thanksgiving for you. YOUR LITTLE GIRL'S SIGNIFICANT OTHER came to dinner and was kinda smelly and obnoxious. And we know that after he left you discovered that several of your credit cards were missing. OK WHATEVER! GET A FREAKIN LIFE! First of all, he is a cosmic warrior occupier SO HE IS NEVER RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS ACTIONS! Second don't forget you were YOUNG ONCE and you didn't bother to FIGHT THE MAN SO NOW WE GOT THIS MESS AND IT IS YOUR GENERATION'S FAULT! I mean, man we are waging a revolutionary war against THE FAT CATS AND THE ONE PERCENT EVERY FREAKIN SECOND even when we are so high that we can't walk straight! SO FOR CHRISTMAS WHY DON'T YOU just chill AND STOP BEING A RUNNING DOG SUCK UP TO THE MAN! It is like your daughter is paired up with George Freakin Washington and this is VALLEY FORGE TIME so get real!

SUGGESTIONS FOR THE SOCIAL WORKER AT THE FREE CLINIC: Don't worry, when the buzz wears off and there is no more money for weed they will be back so that you can help write an appeal for more public assistance. YOUR GIFT CAN COME IN 2012!

SUGGESTIONS TO THE CITY OF PORTLAND ESPECIALLY MAYOR SAM: GIVE US A PARK OF OUR VERY OWN! I know we kinda made a mess of our old park. OK WHATEVER revolution is a dirty, messy, frequently INTOXICATED BUSINESS! You fools are so lucky that we JUST DON'T MOVE AWAY! So, give us a park! AND DON'T FORGET FREE PORTA POTTIES, FREE FOOD, FREE DOPE, FREE BOOZE, FREE TENTS, FREE EVERYTHING! It is right there in the Constitution that YOU GOT TO GIVE US ALL THE STUFF WE NEED! And this time JUST LET US STAY, EVEN IF IT GETS A LITTLE STANKY and CRIMINALS MOVE IN and WHATEVER AND OH WELL GIVE US A FREAKIN PARK!

Occupy Portland Genius Answers Hard Questions

Larry 'Freakin Genius' Malone

Ever since the pretty much MISUNDERSTOOD SHUT DOWN THE PORTS BY OCCUPY PORTLAND THING there have been a few questions about our movement! SHAME ON THE DOUBTERS AND HATERS! The Elite Manager Group of Occupy Portand asked Larry 'Freakin Genius' Malone, chairman of the OCCUPY PORTLAND OFFICIAL ANSWER SPOKE to provide a little clarity on a few things BECAUSE WE ARE SO MISUNDERSTOOD! BOGUS!

In my short interview ME (acting like a mainstream media dude) and FREAKIN got down to it. DOWN IN IT!

ME: Freakin I am SO MAJORLY HAPPY that you could take some time to talk today! First, tell me how did you get your nickname of FREAKIN GENIUS?

FREAKIN: It was last week at a OCCUPY PORTLAND SACRED FEATHER COUNCIL. Some dude was running his mouth, you know, like GETTING ALL FOOLISH AND TALKING LIKE HE WAS THE ONE PERCENT! So, I stared at him to bust up his aura and get into his sacred space. He looked at me and said 'bite off freakin genius'. THE NAME STUCK! NOW IT IS MY SACRED NAME!

ME: SWEET MY BRO! I really get off on the feather thing. IT IS SO COOL THAT WE CAN GATHER LIKE THE FOUNDING FATHERS! I have a beer cap that was blessed at the last FEATHER COUNCIL! Now when the man or a FAT CAT is like IN MY FACE I hold that cap up to him and JUST THE SACRED GLOW OF IT protects me!

Justin James Bridges

FREAKIN: RIGHT ON! You know James Bridges, that dude that fell over and blamed the man? He always carries AWESOME SACRED STONES IN HIS PANTS! THE DAY HE FELL OVER AND BLAMED THE COPS GUESS WHAT? HE DIDN'T HAVE HIS STONES IN HIS PANTS!

ME: Freakin that is so epic! So, let's talk about some of the things surrounding shut down the ports. First, there was that BUST BY THE MAN where some OCCUPY dudes were busted on their way to the PORT PARTY in a stolen truck, with weapons, including a SWORD! Dude, a sword?

FREAKIN: Man, first they weren't OCCUPY OFFICIALLY CAUSE THEY GOT BUSTED! You know how it works, the second you get busted you are no longer official occupy! You BECOME AN AUTONOMOUS PERSON! That way, we can use you if you are cool BUT IF YOU GET BUSTED BY THE MAN OH WELL! EVEN THOUGH IT WAS THE IDEA OF THE ELITE MANAGERS GROUP THAT YOU DO WHAT YOU DID, THEY CAN'T BE BLAMED!

ME: AWESOME!

FREAKIN: Man, about that SWORD! HAHAHAHA! Don't you know stoners that carry swords are like a HUGE PART OF OUR DEMOGRAPHIC! Think about it, who will mess with a intoxicated dude with a sword! THE ONE PERCENT IS SCARED TO DEATH OF SWORDS, MAN!

ME: RIGHT ON MY BROTHER! Ok, next the mainstream press was all over us cause at OCCUPY THE PORT some worker dudes lost wages thanks to us, really close to christmas.

FREAKIN: RIGHT ON! Ok, so they lost their pay for a day. WOW! Like we all can care a little less about that! Maybe now they will hurt enough to JOIN US IN OUR REVOLUTION! ANYWAY most of those people that lost money that day weren't really DOCK WORKERS. They were fat cats and one percenters PRETENDING TO BE WORKERS. SHAME ON THEM!

ME: Yeah I heard that the one percent often pretends to be working class people by driving lift trucks and wearing oil stained coveralls. OK RIGHT ON! So, in other words nobody from the 99 per cent was hurt financially by our PORT SHUTDOWN! AWESOME!

FREAKIN: Man, that is the truth. AND I KNOW BECAUSE THE ELITE MANAGERS TOLD ME SO!

ME: OK my brother. NEXT QUESTION! People wonder why we like quotes from GANDHI. Like the quote I kinda remember...'first they laugh at you, then they give you a wedgie, then you get all like into a really awesome tantrum, then they laugh some more'. You know that quote?

FREAKIN: No man, I mean yeah i have heard that quote or something like it. VERY POWERFUL AND SACRED. But who is Gandhi? Is he that dude that stole the weed pipe from that little dude that hangs out near the starbucks at Pioneer?

ME: No, man, Gandhi! YOU KNOW MAN THE INDIAN DUDE!

FREAKIN: AWESOME MAN! I love the Indian way, it is SO EPIC and SACRED! THEY are like of the earth! WHAT TRIBE IS GANDHI FROM? WAS HE AT THE CAMP AT LOWNSDALE?

ME: NO, man Gandhi wasn't like some INDIAN from a tribe. He was like from INDIA. YOU KNOW ITS A COUNTRY IN AFRICA. I think it is pretty close to AUSTRIA.

FREAKIN: WOW THAT IS SO BEAUTIFUL! Makes me wish I had some shrimp on the barbie, like they say downunder in Austria!

ME: Ok cool. Let's try another question. I was reading THE OREGONIAN on the web and there we A LOT OF COMMENTS FROM THE 99 PER CENT that were MEAN! How can we get people on our side in the revolution?

FREAKIN: WOW YOU READ? RIGHT ON!

ME: Usually I only read what the OCCUPY PORTLAND ELITE MANAGER GROUP tells me to read, but I read some stuff by accident.

FREAKIN: I FEEL YOU BRO! Like, if you read some stuff that is MEAN just ignore it! I MEAN IT COMES FROM PEOPLE THAT ARE LIKE BRAINWASHED! What were they sayin?

ME: It was like OCCUPY PORTLAND is made up of losers, idiots, stoners, you know all that stuff.

FREAKIN: DANG! SO IT WAS PRETTY TRUTHFUL. RIGHT ON!

ME: Yeah IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL!

FREAKIN: MAN I am still trying to remember if I met that GANDHI DUDE! Was he at RAINBOW THIS SUMMER?

ME: NO DOUBT! A lot of Austrians were!

FREAKIN: Man, next year they GOT TO BRING THEIR KANGEROOS!