PART ONE WAS ALL ABOUT SOME SPECIFIC OCCUPIERS. HERE ARE SUGGESTIONS THAT WILL WORK FOR ALL!
It is not too late TO FIND THAT PERFECT GIFT for the OCCUPANT IN YOUR LIFE! Many people have an occupier that they need to shop for, so here are some suggestions for those of you THAT HAVE JUST BEEN PUTTING THINGS OFF! The elite manager group of OCCUPY PORTLAND HAS MADE A LITTLE LIST, AND CHECKED IT TWICE! Has your occupier been naughty or nice?
SUGGESTIONS FOR THE MOMS: I know, I know, you already do so much! Make their car payments, cell phone payments, tuition payments, weed payments, all that! AND YOU MAKE SURE THEIR BASEMENT 'APARTMENT' IS ALL COZY AND BRIGHT! What to get them? You could leave a little extra money in your purse, then leave your purse laying around the house! Maybe two or three twenty dollar bills in easy reach! THEN WHEN THEY MAKE A 'LOAN' THEY WILL BE EXTRA HAPPY! Or, for the holiday STOP HIDING YOUR STASH SO WELL! Make sure your stash is in a place easy to find!
SUGGESTIONS FOR THE DADS: There you are so full of pride over your OCCU-KID! All the hard work they have done this year STAGING A REVOLUTION FOR THE PEOPLE! So, you have given your support and love but MAYBE SOMETHING SPECIAL IS NEEDED NOW! You know what I am getting at! THERE IS YOUR BROTHER, UNCLE TO THE OCCUPIER, AND HE IS SUCH A PAIN! Everytime he comes over to visit he goes down to the basement AND STARTS A FIGHT WITH THE KID! So, as a special gift this year GIVE HIM MONEY TO STAY AWAY, AT LEAST UNTIL MID-JANUARY! And,what to give your OCCU-DAUGHTER? For once, try to be JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE TOLERANT OF HER LOSER BOYFRIEND! Like, the next time he passes out MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE THE ONE TO GIVE HIM MOUTH TO MOUTH!
SUGGESTIONS FOR THE GRANDPARENTS: Having a drug addicted, stupid, unrealistic whiner of a grandchild is not as bad as it seems! YOU HAVE THE UNIQUE OPPORTUNITY THIS CHRISTMAS TO GIVE THEM THE SPECIAL GIFT OF A BLANK CHECK! Just sign the check and leave the amount empty. Look, you know they despise you already! SO DON'T START TALKING TO THEM ABOUT YOUR LOVE OF RON PAUL or some tea party crappola! JUST GIVE THEM THE BLANK CHECK!
SUGGESTIONS FOR THE PARENT'S OF THE GIRL WHO IS DATING THE OCCUPIER DUDE: We know how bad it got this Thanksgiving for you. YOUR LITTLE GIRL'S SIGNIFICANT OTHER came to dinner and was kinda smelly and obnoxious. And we know that after he left you discovered that several of your credit cards were missing. OK WHATEVER! GET A FREAKIN LIFE! First of all, he is a cosmic warrior occupier SO HE IS NEVER RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS ACTIONS! Second don't forget you were YOUNG ONCE and you didn't bother to FIGHT THE MAN SO NOW WE GOT THIS MESS AND IT IS YOUR GENERATION'S FAULT! I mean, man we are waging a revolutionary war against THE FAT CATS AND THE ONE PERCENT EVERY FREAKIN SECOND even when we are so high that we can't walk straight! SO FOR CHRISTMAS WHY DON'T YOU just chill AND STOP BEING A RUNNING DOG SUCK UP TO THE MAN! It is like your daughter is paired up with George Freakin Washington and this is VALLEY FORGE TIME so get real!
SUGGESTIONS FOR THE SOCIAL WORKER AT THE FREE CLINIC: Don't worry, when the buzz wears off and there is no more money for weed they will be back so that you can help write an appeal for more public assistance. YOUR GIFT CAN COME IN 2012!
SUGGESTIONS TO THE CITY OF PORTLAND ESPECIALLY MAYOR SAM: GIVE US A PARK OF OUR VERY OWN! I know we kinda made a mess of our old park. OK WHATEVER revolution is a dirty, messy, frequently INTOXICATED BUSINESS! You fools are so lucky that we JUST DON'T MOVE AWAY! So, give us a park! AND DON'T FORGET FREE PORTA POTTIES, FREE FOOD, FREE DOPE, FREE BOOZE, FREE TENTS, FREE EVERYTHING! It is right there in the Constitution that YOU GOT TO GIVE US ALL THE STUFF WE NEED! And this time JUST LET US STAY, EVEN IF IT GETS A LITTLE STANKY and CRIMINALS MOVE IN and WHATEVER AND OH WELL GIVE US A FREAKIN PARK!
